


I Feel Love

by fandommatchmaker19



Category: Station 19 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 18:36:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17330312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandommatchmaker19/pseuds/fandommatchmaker19
Summary: “I love you,” she blurts out and Lucas sort of freezes. He freezes and looks at her, his eyes kind and non-judgmental.But, Lucas doesn’t reply. He doesn’t say anything. Instead he continues staring into her eyes because he knows that if he looks anywhere else he will see her hopeful and nervous expression and he won’t know what to say.And, Vic’s expression deflates as she blushes several shades of red.One morning, Vic confesses her feelings to Lucas but his reaction is unexpected.





	I Feel Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [inqwex](https://archiveofourown.org/users/inqwex/gifts).



> This is super angsty.  
> This fic is for inqwex cause she inspired my love of Vicley angst :)

Vic wasn’t exactly sure when she’d fallen in love with Lucas, but one thing was for sure: she was in love with him. They’d started off casually – casual sex and casual meals in between the casual sex, but now it was decidedly not casual. Now, they were _dating_. She, Victoria Hughes, devout feminist, was dating Lucas Ripley, the Chief of the Fire Department. Victoria Hughes was the _Chief’s_ girlfriend. _Oh, God, I’m so screwed,_ she thought as she blinked sleep from her eyes, lazily tracing circles across her boyfriend’s bicep.

They’d had sex after Miller’s birthday and part of her had wanted it to have been a one and done, but part of her had wanted to see him again. She’d been scared, scared of what that night could mean for her career, but he’d called her and asked her to have coffee with him in a very nervous and non-threatening way and she’d said yes. She’d said yes and everything changed.

Well, not really. They’d had coffee and agreed to continue their casual, sexy “sort of relationship” until they couldn’t. One morning he’d cooked her breakfast using a family recipe and they’d talked. They’d had a real, deep conversation that ended with them agreeing that they had feelings for each other. And, Vic thought that it would be complicated after that, but it wasn’t. They spent their time between his place and her place, and they cooked together in the evenings, and she’d agreed to let him cook her breakfast on weekends. Mostly, because she was really bad at breakfast food and he was really good at it, so they compromised. And, compromise was part of a relationship.

There hadn’t been a particular moment when she’d fallen in love with Lucas. There had been moments. The hot sex in the turnout room and the way he’d let her talk him into locking the door (not, that he’d been an unwilling participant). The way he’d held her back from jumping down the ravine when they’d found Andy and Sullivan; the way he’d taken charge of the situation when she, along with the rest of 19, were falling apart. She’d fallen for his soft, kind, gentle side, his smile and his blue eyes that could mask his emotions or display them so clearly. He could be intense too, full of raw, passionate emotions that seemed to be ready to burst out of him. She’d fallen for Lucas. She’d fallen for his calm, collected, focused side, too. She’d fallen for the Chief, too.

And, one night, after a particularly difficult call, she’d instinctively driven to his place. Lucas had opened the door, surprised, but his expression was open and honest, his eyes were kind and he’d opened his arms to her and held her as she cried. And, afterwards, she’d been blushing and nervously rambling that this wasn’t what she typically does. But, Lucas had simply and causally told her that comforting was something boyfriends did, and since he is her boyfriend he was gonna be there for her every time. And, she’d tilted her head and kissed him and he’d tangled his fingers in her hair and kissed her back. He’d kissed her back and suddenly everything was clear. She was in love with him. She’d fallen deeply in love with him. At some point between the casual sex and the deep conversations, she’d fallen for him.  

His beard tickling her cheek interrupts her train of thought.

“Hey,” Lucas breathes as he, too, wakes up and breaks Vic out of her reverie.

“Hi,” she replies, leaning up to brush her lips lightly over his. He snakes an arm around her waist rolling her on top of him and trails kisses along her jaw, his beard tickling her, and causing her to let out a soft giggle. As she rolls over, however, she notices that the bedside digital clock is reading 8:30 am and she immediately sits up, causing Lucas to look up at her surprised.

“I’m late!” she yells, scrambling to get off of him and nearly kneeing him where it would really hurt as she almost falls off the bed.

Lucas props himself up on his elbows and watches her, amused.

“Victoria? Are you alright?” he asks as he continues watching her while trying to get up himself, pulling his boxers on as Vic runs a nervous hand through her hair.

“Yeah! I overslept, and I’ll be late, and Sullivan’s gonna yell and want a good reason for me being late. But, I won’t have one because I can’t tell Sullivan that I’m late cause I was up all night having mind-blowing sex with my gorgeous boyfriend who also happens to be the Chief and his best friend!” Vic rants, almost screaming the last part while pulling on a t-shirt and going to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Lucas just chuckles. He chuckles and laughs for a second before going after her. He lays his hands on her arms and presses a soft kiss to her temple before sighing.

“Victoria, I’m sure Sully won’t yell at you for being almost late. You have another 20 minutes to get to the station. I’ll drive you,” he says calmly as Vic spits out her toothpaste and locks gazes with him in the mirror. “C’mon, I’ll make you toast with jam and some coffee,” he says before making his way to the bedroom to get dressed. As Vic finishes getting ready, Lucas makes breakfast – toast, jam and coffee, but Vic appreciates it nonetheless.

“So, you finish tomorrow, right?” he asks conversationally as they’re eating their breakfast.

“Yeah, why?”

“No reason, I’ll try and finish my paperwork soon,” he says half-jokingly. Vic smirks.

“I thought you love your job, Chief,” she quips teasingly.

“I do, I just prefer you,” he says before starting to tell her about some protocol he’s trying to develop. She laughs and he chuckles and the sun is shining through the windows and she’s in love with him.

“I love you,” she blurts out and Lucas sort of freezes. He freezes and looks at her, his eyes kind and non-judgmental.

“What?” he asks, bewildered.

“I love you,” she repeats, more sure this time. “I’m in love with you. I fell for you. I- We were casual. At first. At first, we were casual. We were casual and then you cooked me eggs in the morning – that family recipe, and we talked. We talked and we shared and I told you things I’d never- never told anyone,” she continues and he’s listening. She’d half expected him to interrupt her, but he’s listening. His eyes are locked with hers and his expression is open and honest and Vic thinks that’s what she loves most about him. “And, you told me things. And, then we decided to be together. And, now, I’m in love with you. At some point after that or maybe even then I fell for you. I fell in love with you. God, I don’t even… I- II don’t even know when or how that happened. But it did. I’m in love with you, Lucas. I love you,” she says, her voice passionate, her chocolate brown eyes deep as she continues gazing into his blue ones.

But, Lucas doesn’t reply. He doesn’t say anything. Instead he continues staring into her eyes because he knows that if he looks anywhere else he will see her hopeful and nervous expression and he won’t know what to say.

And, Vic’s expression deflates as she blushes several shades of red.

“Oh, God, and now you’re not saying anything. You’re not… I… uh… I haven’t done this before… I’m not experienced. You’re experienced. You were married. Twice. Before. Before me. Me, I had no one before you. I mean… I did. But, not really. But, then we had sex. And, then you called. Then, we had more sex. And, then you cooked me breakfast and we talked. And, now I’m telling you I’m in love with you, and you… y- yyou’re not saying anything…” Vic trails off, and is about to say something more when Lucas crushes his lips to hers. Instinctively, she deepens the kiss and wraps her arms around his neck, fingers curling in his hair.

She pulls away, though, and almost turns away. “I’m late,” she mutters and leaves.

* * *

Lucas Ripley is the youngest Chief the Seattle Fire Department had ever had, and he was well aware of that. After his best friend left Seattle, and his wife cheated on him, broke his heart, left him and divorced him in _that_ order, he’d thrown himself into his work, resulting in him moving up the ranks to Fire Chief by the time he was 38. And, according to Sullivan, he’d gotten there because he didn’t “embrace and enjoy”. Sullivan also often said that his middle name was “reasonable”, but Lucas hadn’t been reasonable in one area of his life – his personal life – for a while now. Because dating one of his firefighters – an almost rookie – was decidedly _un_ reasonable. But, Victoria Hughes made him want to throw reasonable out the window.

Victoria Hughes was like the sun; bright, vivacious, funny, loyal, sarcastic and she pulled him in. And, he was quite the opposite of her. Where she was impulsive and heroic to the point of reckless stupidity sometimes, he was reasonable and he thought everything through, making up a thousand outcomes in his head. Where she was always joking and laughing, he was serious and brooding. And, then she tells him she’s in love with him. And, he freezes.

It’s not that he _doesn’t_ have feelings for her. He does. But, he’s not sure how deep his feelings for her are. Or, rather, he’s not sure he wants to know. Because the moment he’ll know, he’ll tell her and then everything will change. Everything will change and she will have the power to hurt him. Or, he will screw it up. And, he’ll lose her. So, he doesn’t say anything and watches her leave, chocolate brown eyes sad.

He stands still inside Vic’s apartment for a second before dumping the dishes they’d used into the sink, washing them and grabbing his jacket and car keys.

At work, he does paperwork until noon, but he can hardly focus on it, his mind drifting to the morning. Vic had been honest with him, but her eyes betrayed her nervousness and she had been blushing as she rambled. Lucas had always thought Vic was adorable when she rambled like that. Except, she rambled about falling in love with him and that scared him.

In the afternoon, he is stuck in meetings in which he cannot focus, with Frankel snapping him out it several times whilst clicking her tongue and flashing him disapproving glares.

She corners him in his office afterwards.

“Rip!” she snaps, indicating that she’s throwing Chief-Battalion Chief relations out the window.

“Yes, Deb?” he asks dumbly.

“What the hell was that? Zimmerman’s been hounding you for this meeting for weeks!” she yells, frowning.

“Nothing, I’m fine,” Lucas replies calmly, rolling his eyes. Deb raises her eyebrows.

“Mhm,” she grumbles. “You were distracted,” she then says, tone matter-of-fact.

“I’m aware, thanks for informing me,” he quips as he takes a seat and another sip of his coffee.

“Why?” she asks.

“Why what? Why was I distracted?” he asks, quirking an eyebrow, expression a cross between exasperated and annoyed.

“Don’t do that,” she retorts. “Don’t play dumb with me! You were distracted during a really important meeting and you’re never distracted! You’re Lucas Ripley! ‘Focused’ is your middle name!” Deb rants, throwing her hands in the air.

“I thought it was ‘Reasonable’?” Lucas quips, slightly bemused.

“That too,” Deb mutters, closing her eyes for a second.

“She said she loves me,” Lucas whispers, voice so soft that Deb almost doesn’t hear him, but she does.

“Who?” she asks, momentarily confused. Then, Lucas glances over at her, and it dawns on her. “Hughes?”

He nods in response.

When Sullivan had sent Frankel the form about Lucas and Vic’s relationship, Frankel had been pissed at him – Lucas – and she’d yelled a lot. But, Frankel was also his friend and she’d been there for him when Eva had cheated on him and left him, when Sullivan had left Seattle. They’d celebrated promotions together and comforted each other when they lost patients. And, after the shock and anger over his relationship with Vic had dissipated she’d congratulated him and lectured him about being careful starting a relationship after so long and gave him her ‘friend speech’.

“And?” It’s Deb’s turn to use one word.

“And what?” Lucas retorts.

“You tell me…”

“I don’t know, Deb,” he grumbles. “I just… I froze. I froze and she left for work.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“So? Do you?”

“Do I what?”

“Do you love her? C’mon, quit using one-word sentences, Rip.” Deb’s voice is soft, friendly, but her words are harsh. Tough love, she likes to call it.

“I… I don’t know,” he replies.

“You don’t know? Or you don’t want to know? C’mon, Rip, I know you. I’ve known you for 12 years. You’re the guy who offered me his locker when you transferred at the station I was at so I could keep my stuff there. You yelled at the entire station to let me shower along with everyone. You recommended me for lieutenant. You recommended me for captain. You celebrated with me when I got promoted. We went through FD together. I know you. And, I’ve seen the way you look at Hughes,” Deb says, her tone only slightly condescending.

Lucas can only stare.

“You look at her like she’s the sun. Like the world – _your_ world – revolves around her. It’s like you were sleeping-“

“Sleeping?”

“Yes. Ever since you married Eva, you’ve been in a sort of trance. And, all the shit Eva put you through just pushed you down a dark hole. And, then Hughes happened and suddenly you were awake.”

“You’re being awfully wise,” Lucas quips, giving her a sideways glance. “I think whatever I feel for her – if I’m in love with her – I’m too scared to admit it. I don’t have the best track record with relationships. I screwed up my first marriage, my second was screwed from the beginning. The last relationship I was in after Eva, I screwed that up ‘cause I thought I was ready to move on but I wasn’t. But, with her, it’s different, y’know?”

“I would say it is. You were willing to put your career on the line for her,” Deb comments slightly teasing. Then, she gets up from the chair she’d been sitting on, hands on her hips. “C’mon, let’s go,” she says, smirking a little.

“Go where?”

“To Joe’s. It’s winter and he still makes hot chocolate with liquor in it. C’mon, you and I both need some if we’re gonna continue this conversation,” she says and Lucas raises an eyebrow.

“Deb, are you suggesting day drinking in the middle of the afternoon? During work hours?”

“Yup. I’m suggesting the Chief and the Battalion Chief go day drinking. We both have paperwork to do all day. Neither of us is gonna do it cause you’re trying to figure out your feelings for Hughes and I’m stuck listening to you. Besides, if we stay there long enough we can actually start drinking, Chief.”

He regards her with a mildly bemused smirk before nodding. “Sure, why the hell not? Not like I have anything else to do tonight. Vic’s on tonight,” he says before getting up.

“Meet in the lobby in five?” Deb asks, exiting the Chief’s office.

“Yeah,” Lucas mutters before grabbing his stuff and going to change.

* * *

Without speaking to each other, they don’t see each other for the next few days. Almost a week. Being on shift distracts Vic, but when she’s off, she’s left thinking over everything that had happened before she’d left for work. She journals about it. She writes several pages detailing her thoughts that morning, her entire speech in which she confessed that she had fallen in love with him. And, how he’d frozen. And, kissed her. And, she’d left.

So, Vic journals and goes out with Maya and Andy and flirts with guys but goes home alone and thinks of him. He invades her every thought and she cannot breathe without him. But, he doesn’t call, doesn’t text and doesn’t come over.

And, everything is fine and uneventful until it isn’t.

There’s a huge apartment complex fire downtown and multiple crews are called to the scene. Station 19 is called in to replace Station 23 and Vic sees Ripley had taken command. There’s something different about him that Vic notices the moment she joins her team at the command center to take orders from him. He has bags under his eyes and he looks tired, his shoulders minutely slumped, and there’s an obvious emotional exhaustion about him. Her fingers accidentally brush against the back of his hand and he looks up, meets her gaze, but doesn’t say anything.

“Chief!” Station 19 choruses in greeting, Maya and Andy both giving him a sideways glance. Vic had only given them the barest of details since they’d hounded her for hours on end when she came into work that morning.

“Rip,” Sullivan muttered in greeting to his friend.

“Sully, Nineteen,” Lucas says, voice raspy. “Glad you’re here. I need entry teams to make sure the flame’s contained and a team to help evacuate some civilians on D-side. Herrera and Sullivan, take that evac. Rest of you – divide into teams of two and go in from A-side, B-side and C-side.”

She teams up with Travis and the two of them race up to C-side.

“So, have you spoken?”

“Huh?”

“To Ripley? After you said you-know-what to him?” Travis asks as they’re going through the C-side of the building.

“Nope. And, that’s all we’re gonna talk about it, Travis,” Vic mutters as she continues the sweep.

“He looked like he wanted to say something,” Travis comments.

Vic just hums.

“You know, maybe he just doesn’t know how he feels,” Travis continues.

“Yeah, sure, he doesn’t know. He hasn’t called; hasn’t texted; hasn’t visited me. He doesn’t want to talk, Trav. And, that’s all I’m going to say about it,” Vic retorts before marching on ahead.

* * *

Lucas had been having a hell of a week. He and Frankel had gone drinking that first evening, and then he’d avoided Vic for the rest of the week. He hadn’t called her, texted or visited her because he didn’t know what he’d say. He’d also gone drinking with Sullivan once.

And, now, she was here. For all his attempts at avoiding her, he should’ve expected that calling Nineteen to the scene would also bring Vic. Her fingers brush against the back of his hand and he feels an electric shock. He glances briefly towards her, but then pulls his eyes away from her because he cannot bear to look at her. He knows she’d been hurt when he’d gone radio silent and he hates that he’d hurt her.

She and Montgomery take the entry sweep on the C-side and they race each other towards the building. Her excitement is palpable and he smirks.

And, then, everything goes wrong.

There’s an explosion. Glass rains down around him.

He shouts for PD to move triage ten feet away. He shouts into the radio for the entry teams to exit. He shouts for all other teams to exit. Civilians rush outside from D-side and Herrera and Sullivan rush out, following them, carrying two people between them. Gibson and Miller rush out. Bishop and Warren.

Then, the whole building explodes.

Montgomery calls mayday.

And, Lucas cannot breathe. Lucas can only stare in front of him at the building exploding and pray that they make it out.

Time slows as he keeps his eyes trained on the D-side exit. The entire crew of 19 gathers around him. Frankel joins him, and both Frankel and Sullivan give him concerned glances.

And, then, finally she is out. She and Montgomery are both holding onto each other with the limp body of another firefighter between them. Montgomery is limping, but Vic seems fine.

“We found Lt. Jones covered in debris!” Vic rasps out, sweat and tears covering her face. Warren and someone from 23 rushes towards them with a stretcher. They load the very limp Lt. Jones onto it and Ripley feels sick to his stomach. “His pulse is thready and he’s got multiple crush injuries…” Vic rasps as she almost collapses against Montgomery. Montgomery catches her, but he’s limping so Bishop comes to take her as Miller takes Montgomery over to the Aid Car.

“Hughes, you alright?” Lucas asks quietly.

“Fine,” she mutters, going off after Bishop.

Lucas can only stare after her.

* * *

There’s a knock on her door and Vic opens it to find Lucas standing in front of her. His hair is tousled, his face is covered in sweat, ash and soot and there’s a wildness in his eyes. He looks disheveled and he’s still wearing his uniform.

“Lucas? What are you doing here?” she asks, voice barely above a whisper,

“Hi,” he says, voice soft. “Are you going to let me in?”

“That depends, are we gonna talk about what happened between us that morning?”

“Victoria.”

“Fine, come in,” she mutters, stepping back and opening the door wider. 

They’re standing in the living room, facing each other. Vic crosses her arms over her chest and glares up at him. Lucas just sort of stands there motionless. Despite the fact that he’s taller, he’s shoulders are slumped and he seems kind of small.

“You said you wanted to talk. So, talk.”

“There were five dead firefighters,” he says quietly.

“I know. I was on one of those recoveries,” she says, tone matter of fact.

“I love you,” he blurts out, blue eyes blazing with emotion. “I… I don’t have the best track record with relationships. I screwed up my first marriage. My second wife – Eva – cheated on me, left me and sent me divorce papers through Deb. After that, I kinda… uh… gave up on love altogether. I don’t… I don’t talk about my feelings… easily. I can’t. Not after… And, then you yelled at me. Twice. I… Victoria, you pulled me in. From the very beginning, you pulled me in. And, nothing’s been the same ever since you kissed me after Miller’s birthday.” His voice is raspy and he looks like a wreck but he’s standing in the middle of her living room and he’s talking and Vic listens. Vic listens because he listened through her ramblings and now’s her turn to listen.

“It’s new for me, you know. And, when I said what I said – that was hard. And, you- y-yyou didn’t say anything,” she protests, though she’s not putting any fire in it.

“I know,” he mumbles defeated. “You changed everything for me, Victoria.”

“I did?” she asks nervously.

“You did. It’s like… it’s like I was drowning and suddenly I could breathe again. I love you. I love you. I love you more than I loved Kate. I love you more than I loved Eva. I love you, Victoria. When you… the explosion- Montgomery’s mayday… I- II couldn’t breathe. All I could think of was you making it out alive. I couldn’t bear to lose you. I love you,” he repeats.

“I am pretty lovable, huh?” she says smugly.

She’s the one to bridge the space between them. She cups his cheek with her hand, his hand snakes around her waist and his other hand curls a piece of her hair behind her ear.

“You’re pretty lovable too, Lucas,” she says quietly.

And, she leans up on her toes and brushes her lips against his. He deepens the kiss, pulling her towards her and the kiss is explosive. Vic tangles her fingers in his hair as Lucas pulls her impossibly close to him. They pull away several long seconds later, both gasping for air. She smiles against his lips before kissing him again deeply.

“I love you,” he whispers when he pulls away. “I love you,” he repeats. “I love you, Victoria. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Lucas.”


End file.
